Something is not right...

In the room, nothing is clear except the time.  The light that tells me I am awake again, when I should be sleeping.  The space of my dream is still there.  It gathers around the edges of waking reality.  How can it be so real and so unremembered?  Silver and gold.  Neil Young strings it together; the words are calm, but the razor cuts.  I was trying to find something that I could not find.  That feeling of being lost travels from dreaming to waking.  I feel lost.  The sense of it is terrifying me but I can't see anything to be frightened of.

Next to the sofa, an empty wine glass gleams in the darkness.  I reach for the stem, missing by too much.  Grabbing at the air is like dreaming.  I can't find it.  I reach again and touch cool crystal.  Beneath my fingers, I can feel the evening that took me to my dreams.  Books and wine.  I am not in my own bed because I could not sleep.  Like so many nights, I leave my bed to go somewhere else, read, try to block out the thoughts of the day so that my mind can let my body rest.

I lift the glass, twirling it in the darkness.  There is light somewhere.  It catches the crystal rim, giving it a shadow shape.  My fingers remember holding a wineglass such as this, many times, random times, and unique once in a life times.  Beyond the curve of the glass I can see the memory of a face that I once loved.  A searing sense of longing washes over me.  That feeling of having, and losing.  Of not being absolutely sure if having is real or imagined.  What am I doing here?  Is this a man who wants me, or a man who wants sex?  What is it that being with me offers to someone else?  What do they get?  What is the place that we occupy together?  Is it just a match - coupling?  I dreamed that there was something else.  I searched for a place where I belong.  I have found my fear, found myself lost, again.